Holidays are powerful. They conjure up memories good and bad in all of us. They bring out the best in our lives and the worst.
Tonight on the eve of the Fourth of July, a day set aside to celebrate our country's establishment of a free place to live, think and contribute, I think about my adopted brother Jeff and how he changed my life for better and for worse. I think about my family and how it was changed by Jeff's life and death.
Jeff died on the Fourth of July in 1985, exactly 30 years ago. I was camping in Tahoe with my mom at D.L. Bliss State Park when we learned from the ranger and a call to the ER doctor that Jeff drove his friend's motorcycle into an oncoming car. He later died on the operating table at Alta Bates Hospital, while my Grandma Marge prayed fervently in the waiting room.
My dad recently wrote a book about Jeff called Dear Jeff Link to book. It's his version of how Jeff impacted him as a father and a civil rights advocate. It's a good, honest read. No romanticizing and self-reflective.
But, this post is not an ad for my dad's book. It's a commentary about how my brother changed my life. He opened my eyes to a world that I could have been oblivious of and sheltered from. The real world. Right? I saw the impacts of Jeff's mother's choice to give him and his sister up. I experienced secondhand the awfulness of abuse that he endured in some of the foster homes he stayed in. I saw hatred in certain people's eyes when they saw our black and white family coming their way. I heard comments made about me as a white person who "wanted to be black" and about my adopted siblings as "oreos" or black on the outside and white on the inside.
Many of you knew my brother Jeff and about the problems he had. But, maybe you don't know how it changed me to be a better person. My brother as troubled as he was made a huge difference in this teacher's life and by doing that he has made a difference in thousands of my students' lives. My brother opened my eyes and heart to the world he faced which was very different from mine allowing me to be more understanding of my students throughout my career.
Tonight on the eve of our great country's birthday, let's recognize that we don't know everything and talk shows don't know much at all. Not everyone has the same privileges in our country, but should. We all need to make sure that we keep working towards seeing and valuing the human in each other. It's tough to do and easy to fall into the blame game, fear and prejudice trap. We are better than that.
A good memory: Jeff and I would tease each other with silly name-related songs. He would sing "Oh Susannah..." and I would sing that old Toys R'Us jingle "Geoffrey, Geoffrey Giraffe, He can make you laugh, wind him up and up he pops, get him at Toys R Us." We would belly laugh uncontrollably as we tried to out sing each other.
RIP Jeffrey Ricardo Gough 1963-1985
